Why are so many of us trapped in a sexless marriage?

Why are so many of us trapped in a sexless marriage?

Years ago, in my 30s, I was in a loving, stable relationship with a man I adored and saw as my soulmate. I was lucky. He was, I thought, The One.

Within weeks of meeting, we were an item and that item lasted for many years. A happy couple is an icon of society, the envy of others, especially if they’re both outgoing and attractive. We ticked those boxes, we were that couple; it felt iconic.

We looked good together. Others admired us and gave us the nod. We were bohemian, clever and talented, both writers, both extroverts. Good company to be around.

Writer Monique Roffey endured a sexless relationship - defined as having sex fewer than ten times each year - and wants to help women escape their situations

But there was one thing that wasn’t really working between us, and that thing was sex. Looking back, I think our dynamic bore echoes of a parent-child relationship. He was a few years older than me. I was drawn to him, he fathered me. If I’m honest, from the start I hadn’t desired him for this very reason; there had been a strong pull, just not in that way.

I’m not a psychotherapist, and in retrospect I hardly knew myself sexually, so I didn’t give it much thought. Besides, aren’t all attractions complicated?

But slowly, over the course of six years, our physical relationship dwindled to nothing. I buried it because I had no idea how to talk about it, let alone fix it. Those years were pre-internet and pre-social media; I couldn’t simply tap my problem into Google and find answers.

It’s agonising to be in a relationship full of love and lacking in sex. It’s a tragedy, in fact, or it was for me. And a sexless relationship carries a lot of shame. Just as having too much sex is taboo, so is having none.

I kept quiet. Instead, my repressed sexuality took on a life of its own, and I dreamed of sexy trysts with other men, and, being a writer, these dreams went down on paper in the form of a novel, The Tryst, published later this week.

Of course, we split up, eventually. When a couple isn’t having sex, especially a younger couple, the frustrated energy has to go somewhere. It usually ends up going outside the relationship, and it did.

He had an affair â€" galling, given our situation â€" and that was the end of things. I was 41 . I ran away and regrouped. What followed was a decade of sexual seeking and exploration, a campaign of self-education.

My mission was never again to fall into this no-sex relationship trap. What had happened and why? I was determined to find out. I allowed myself to be a guinea pig, and took many bold and courageous leaps. In doing so I tried everything, and today, aged 52, I’m much more sexually confident.

In a recent survey, Relate reported that 23 per cent â€" yes, a quarter of us â€" are unhappy with our sex lives. That’s a lot of people. But it’s also reassuring, isn’t it? The truth is out. Now we can all relax. It’s common. It’s not unusual. You’re not alone, or weird

In a recent survey, Relate reported that 23 per cent â€" yes, a quarter of us â€" are unhappy with our sex lives. That’s a lot of people. But it’s also reassuring, isn’t it? The truth is out. Now we can all relax. It’s common. It’s not unusual. You’re not alone, or weird.

Many people find that having the sex they would like, in the right quantities, is tricky, if not impossible. Many of us give up, too. Not everyone is a child-free bohemian and can throw themselves into a campaign for better sex which lasts years.

Most people suffer in silence, and they suf fer for a long time, with a low-level anxiety that their sex life isn’t good enough. I know I did.

Really, it’s time to relax about it. If not a campaign, maybe it’s time for women to cut one another some slack, even share our common anxieties, support each other. Because so many of us have this ‘no sex’ thing going on.

HOW DOES YOUR SEX LIFE MEASURE UP? 

* 50 per cent of couples have sex once a month. One in 10 women has sex once a year at most

* 90 per cent haven’t tried anything new in bed since their first anniversary

* Only a third (34 per cent) are satisfied with their sex lives

* Women are more likely to report sexual problems (37 per cent) than men

* 30 per cent of over-65s say that watching porn alone is the same as cheating on a partner

* Only 37 per cent of women over 65 had sexual activity in the past year

* Emotional intimacy is the most common cause (84 per cent) of women’s sexual pr oblems followed by talking (75 per cent) and tiredness (32 per cent)

* A third of people have experienced a sexual problem

* One in five say low libido or differing sex drives is a strain on their relationship 

But what exactly constitutes a sexless marriage?

‘A sexless relationship is officially defined as having sex fewer than ten times a year,’ says relationship counsellor and sex therapist Matty Silver.

Ten? Some of you might shudder. That might seem like quite a regular sex life. A figure like that is alarming.

And what is the timeline of decline regarding sex in marriage? When does sex peter o ut and finally stop? How many weeks and months go by, on a regular basis, before we come to terms with the fact that our marriage is sex-free? And is this okay?

Some couples fall easily into loving companionship; for others, like me, it’s an agony.

I wanted intimacy with the man I loved, but I was unable to express it.

 I kept quiet. Instead, my repressed sexuality took on a life of its own, and I dreamed of sexy trysts with other men, and, being a writer, these dreams went down on paper in the form of a novel, The Tryst, published later this week.

Is there a point, say, six months to two years in, when you can save your relationship?

Well, let’s be clear from the sta rt. Sex is hard to get right â€" especially for women â€" for many reasons.

Unlike men, we give birth to children and we go through the menopause.

Both of these major life changes throw our hormones out of whack and dampen our libido.

Motherhood leaves us tired, demands 24/7 energy caring for our children, and at the end of a busy day of giving to another, most women just don’t feel like having sex.

There are other issues within a long-term relationship that come into play: illness, bereavement, career stress. These all cause anxiety and drain the libido.

 A sexless relationship is officially defined as having sex fewer than ten times a year - relationship counsellor and sex therapist, Matty Silve r

Later comes the menopause, during which our ovaries and sex hormones close up shop. If you are over 50, those hormones which kept you glowing, sexually active and interested have all but disappeared. But they are supposed to disappear!

When we were cavewomen, 50 was what 80 is today. So, we have a problem. Women live longer. We work. We are active and out there in the world, and our 50s are still supposed to be boom years. It’s just that our sex hormones have evaporated.

After the menopause, what we need is a more creative attitude to our post-50 sexual life.

If I had known back then what I know now, my life would have been smoother, for sure. There are many things a woman in a sexless relationship can do to change things, to get back into action.

That is, if you still want to. An d that is a key question. If the answer is yes, read on...

BOOST HORMONES

Get your hormone levels checked out. Seriously, go to your GP and ask to have a blood test. Have your oestrogen and progesterone levels measured. Around 50, they plummet substantially.

Quite simply, our ovaries pack up, especially once the menopause is over. They no longer produce sex hormones, which is the key reason any woman no longer ‘feels like it’ sexually post-menopause.

Bio-identical hormones are safe and mimic the hormones we have lost. They can be bought over the counter in gels and creams or you can go to a private doctor to have them prescribed.

I go to see Dr Lynette Yong in Harley Street and am having my first batch of bio-identicals made by a compound chemist. It is pricey, but not exorbitantly expensive (£300 for the initial consultation and then £250 for a four-month prescription).

Many medical surveys have shown that bio-identical hormones not only help with libido, but they also enhance and restore vitality and slow down the ageing process (though nothing can stop it completely).

You may read that flax oil and soya and large doses of evening primrose oil can help with anxiety and depression. But for many women, it’s hard to take enough of these substances to really effect change.

POWER OF LOVE

When they’re struggling, most couples often try talking therapy first, and go to see a sex therapist or a relationship counsellor.

That’s fine, both are good. But I’d add massage to this list. As a couple, why not si gn up for a beginner’s course? Loving touch is the key to intimacy.

It’s often the case that couples don’t have a sex problem but rather an intimacy problem; loving touch has died between them. Go and learn how to give and receive touch via massage. It’s fun.

Use each other as models. Then take the lessons home. Take it in turn to give and receive, to slow things down and to take the pressure off the need to please and perform.

NO-SEX DAYS OUT

Talking of pressure, this is often a problem in itself.

So relax. It’s not a race or a competition with the neighbours or anyone else. No one is watching. Pat yourselves on the back; you’re still together despite the lack of sex. There is a well of love between you.

Go out a nd congratulate yourselves that you made it this far. Forget the mini-break. Instead treat yourself to lots of no-sex days out. Lace your life with fun. Laughter, of course, is a powerful aphrodisiac.

LISTEN UP

Talking can help. Psychotherapist Dina Glouberman has come up with a method called ‘co-listening’.

This involves setting a fixed time for one person to talk while the other listens.

Start with ten minutes each. Sit opposite one another and soften your gaze. Now one person talks, from the heart, about how she or he feels, while the other simply listens.

When this is over, let there be a few moments of silence. The listener repeats back what she/he heard, without judgment or trying to evaluate, rescue or criticise what the other person said. This is a safe and effective way of listening.

Then let the other person talk. Try this every day for a week. You can time each other and also let more listening time develop.

PERFECT TIMING

You know what they say about comedy. Well, the same is true for sex: sexual timing can be everything.

Sleep is a major part of this. It’s a known fact that we have cycles of sleep which include REM (rapid eye movement).

After REM, men â€" even those who have seen their libidos drop in mid-life â€" often wake up in a state of excitement: just at the point when you have to get to work or deal with a child calling out from the next room.

Talk your timing problems through. Either arrange a better time for sex than seven in the morning, or, at week ends, turn your bedroom into a no-kids zone before 10am.

STEAMY FILMS

Sexy films stir the imagination and desire.

Get in the habit of movie night at home and watch a steamy film together; it might well put you in the mood.

I recommend Lady Chatterley’s Lover. The 1981 version starring Sylvia Kristel is a must; soft and sensual and a good story too.

The Tryst by Monique Roffey is out now on Kindle at £4.99, and from July 6 in paperback at £8.99 on Amazon and in bookshops

Are you in, or have you been in, a sexless marriage? Email us your stories at inspire@daily mail.co.uk. Please tell us if you wish to remain anonymous

 

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