My partner is pressuring me for a second baby, but I can barely cope with the one we have | Life and style
I feel like I’m facing the worst dilemma of my life, in which either outcome is absolute and which, if I get wrong, there’s no going back from.
My partner wants us to have a second baby. When we got together I knew that a family was part of the deal. Originally, I didn’t want children but I wanted him and I saw the potential to be a great family rather than a great couple.
We had our daughter a year ago but, because we’re in our 40s (I’m 42, he’s 45), the pressure is on to have another one quickly â€" ideally, getting pregnant in a few months’ time.
I am feeling incredibly anxious about this. I don’t want a second pregnancy/baby/toddler, but I do want a two-child family. Although I am happy with how “good†a mother I am, I find childcare emotionally and physically draining, relentless, frustrating and often infuriating.
I am not an anxious mother, but the extent to which it drains me is making me anxious. I am also self-employed and work from home but that doesn’t make things easier â€" life is trying to fit my administrative mountain around emptying the dishwasher and putting the laundry out while a baby cries at my feet.
I find one, very easy baby “takes†a lot from me, and I don’t know if I have enough energy â€" physically or emotionally â€" to manage two, which would be exacerbated by the fast turnaround time. My partner says we’ll get as much help as we can afford but I still feel it’ll be another five years of (my) hard labour until they go to school and I have some respite. I don’t know what state I’ll be in by then.
I do, however, see us as a family with two children (for the family dynamic and that they’ll play with each other down the line). I also feel nervous and guilty about making the decision to stick with one, having an easier time now but a harder time later as an only child requires extra looking after as there aren’t any siblings to play with. I don’t want to be responsible for my partner’s disappointment and resentment either. I don’t want a lifetime of feeling I’ve made a mistake â€" either way â€" and I feel like I’m going to be dogged by “what if?†all my life.
I have heavily edited your letter, but, in your longer version what I got, overwhelmingly, was that you don’t want another baby yet, maybe ever. Having “just†one baby is not a crime; it’s not an afterthought or a disaster. For some people, it’s a positive, conscious decision. I’m not telling you to stick with one, or go for two. I can’t possibly make that decision for you. But your thoughts and feelings do matter in this and I’d like to reflect them back to you.
You sound overwhelmed. Your closing paragraph in your original letter contained 10 negative adjectives to describe your state of mind. You also mentioned “rageâ€. I don’t think any of this can be ignored. Another baby is not a magic fix for an idea of the perfect family life. Your next pregnancy may be smooth sailing, or it might not be. It may push you over the edge. Your next child could be “easy†â€" or not. You may have twins. Your children may get on or they may fight all the time. When there are so many unknowns, you really need to hone in on what you want. And yes, of course it is a decision for you and your husband, but as you do the majority of the childcare and you say your health is suffering and you struggle during pregnancy, I really do think you have the veto on this.
How do you hone in on what you want? By allowing yourself the luxury of trying to be in the now, and not thinking about this for at least a couple of months â€" your daughter is at a great age, what a shame to miss it thinking about the what-ifs. I know that at 42, you will feel you don’t have lots of time on your side but you may be more fertile than a woman who is much younger. (Your biggest guide, although no guarantee, is looking at your mother â€" did she conceive easily in her 40s? Did you conceive easily first time round?)
The first year of your first child’s life can be particularly hard and not often the best time to make life-changing decisions. If your partner has promised help second time round, what about getting that help now so you can see what life will be with more support? I think you need to talk to your husband and, if you have a sympathetic one, your GP. It’s great you are getting therapy and I think you need to give that time to work.
It’s really good that you are giving this lots of thought, and it’s causing you angst because it’s an important decision â€" this shows you are sensible and aware! Many women stop having children but always wonder what it might have been like to have “one moreâ€, but it’s often just a fleeting thought, not a life-destroying lament.
A few years ago, when I was thinking about having another child, someone gave me some good advice, which is to make sure it’s a positive decision, not something you just let happen, or let slide. I realised you can love the idea of something, but the reality would be different. I think it’s a distinction you need to explore.
Your problems solved
Contact Annalisa Barbieri, The Guardian, Kings Place, 90 York Way, London N1 9GU or email annalisa.barbieri@mac.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence
Follow Annalisa on Twitter @AnnalisaB
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